A Long Journey

By Cindy Nolan

Jesus wept. — John 11:35

Grief is something we all have in common and all experience differently on the spectrum that it is. Throughout the majority of my life, the death of loved ones, pets, family, (and indeed all forms of ambiguous loss) has been difficult and often life changing.  But I have always emerged from them a more whole person; every dose of humility can do that. I have always believed in God but felt more of a relationship with Jesus as a teen (my “Jesus movement” years). I never really prayed much more than the goodnight prayer mom taught us or the dinner prayer.  We went to our local Lutheran church on Easter Sunday because it’s the only time of year she put her foot down and made all of us go. I was always more focused on the chocolate eggs I snuck in with me than the service itself. We watched a lot of Biblical movies and for quite some time I believed that Charlton Heston was both Moses and Jesus. I was just always a happy kid.

As our daughter Marissa grew up and I witnessed the tragedies in the world happening to parents who lost children. I used to always say, “if anything ever happened to her, I know I could not go on,” I believed that with all my fiber. I also have always believed in the Lord’s promise that we are saved by His Grace. But as an unevolved Christian, I took that for granted for a great number of years and did little (in MY mind) to glorify Him and His work in my life. I wasn’t praying very often and hadn’t picked up my Bible in years but continued to attend church on Easter (without the eggs).

We joined another Lutheran church in town and that is where Marissa was baptized and grew up for several years (still, not attending weekly). I introduced her to Charlton Heston via movies from the library, but she did learn more about the real Jesus than I ever did growing up.

On July 4, 2020, our 32 year old only child dove into a shallow lake while on vacation with her fiancé and friends in Northern Wisconsin. Air lifted to Regions, I was able to see her for an hour (during Covid) and we talked. She couldn’t feel anything from the waist down. She had swelling on the brain. I watched the clock, knowing they would make me leave after my hour was up. She slept and I laid over her and just whispered in her ear, “please don’t leave me.” I had not cried; I had not prayed. The next day, Sunday, I was waiting to see her while they did an x-ray of her shoulder (I could hear her talking to the tech). When I went into see her she was asleep and didn’t wake up. They took her downstairs and made me leave. They would not allow more than one visitor so her dad couldn’t be there. At 5 p.m. they called to tell us she was brain-dead. They allowed her dad and I to come together that night to say goodbye as they would be harvesting some of her organs for donation. We returned home late that night and I called my best friend and sister in Christ. She came over for hours to sit with me and help with phone conversations with doctors. I finally cried, I wept, I howled, I fell into that pit. I did not know at the time, or feel, or imagine, that Jesus was right next to me the entire time. I know now that He was there in the community and sacrifice my friend provided by being there. I KNOW, and I KNEW then, that SHE was doing all the praying, and I know NOW they were ALL answered.

Ups and downs, I would “burn and crash” for days at a time. The struggles continued until February 23, 2021. I had been doing my own Bible Study, looking for survival strategies, and started to pray more, though I felt inadequate in the process.

Before bed that night I read Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

So, I didn’t “pray” that night, I simply talked to my Lord as I would the most perfect Father and I told Him I was trying, I wanted to feel joy for all the blessings that continue in my life: a wonderful and loving husband and loyal and loving friends, but my heart was broken. I told Him I felt as though my soul was decaying, slowly, like a small pond inward from the edges, yet with a depth of despair, darkness, and misery so deep it became terrifying. So, I literally out-stretched my arm up into the darkness of the air and asked Him to take my hand and help me. The morning of the 23rd I had a vision, a gift that was so compelling I couldn’t speak of it for days to anyone. The first person I did share it with was the friend who sat with me for so many countless hours and days. There was Light. I felt Joy. I was amazed.

I felt as though I needed to be doing more, something to serve, something useful. I wanted to join the church again but decided to wait until Ezekiel had a seated pastor. I joined a Bible study group I had wanted to join for years. I felt Hunger and Thirst for more of Him. I began listening to a spiritual radio station in the car at ALL TIMES (the hunger and thirst). One day a song came on that just grabbed me, melody and words, and I had to pull the car over. It was Jenn Johnson’s “Goodness of God.” I wept, I prayed, I laughed at the JOY. Every day of prayer (they are now conversations), Bible study, and reflection combined with the MUSIC has more than quenched my hunger and thirst. It’s empowered me and “grief” is now a reminder of the love and how it remains.

There are certain lines of songs that just jump out and grab me. In the song “What are you waiting for?” is the line, “Be a light that no one can ignore.” My “friend” informed me at one point that some of our other friends were inquiring as to “what is going on with Cindy, she is just so joyful all the time?” I believe we kind of chuckled when talking about this, as I responded, “if they ASK me where my Joy comes from, I WILL tell them.” So often our actions and energy speak volumes that words can never capture. I will strive to always be an example of the Love of Christ Jesus.

Grief is here, it’s part of life for us all. I never forget now the grief of His mother, friends, followers, and all those who walked with Him. Oh yes, He understands GRIEF.  I did not believe at one point not so long ago that I could go on without her. I have gone over and over in my heart and mind why I did not pray in her hospital room and just ask Him to leave her with me. I feel now that at the time I didn’t feel I was worthy of asking Him for anything after not recognizing Him in all His works and for giving me her to begin with. I feel I also believed my words were not poetic enough to reach Him.

I never felt anger. I never said “why me?” but I didn’t get on my knees either. I know better now. I do not believe in my heart and soul that my prayers would have stayed here. I guess without realizing it at the time, I just left it in His hands. I believe she was here as long as He needed her to be. I did not however, feel comfortable with that until the morning of February 23, 2021, when He answered me with a gift I would never expect twice.

On September 17, 2023, I attended service at Ezekiel to hear the new Pastor’s service. Another day of Glory.

I told him as I left that church that day and shook his hand that he had completed checking off all the boxes on my list and now I wanted to become part of this wonderful community in Christ.

 I wanted to be doing something to make my life worthwhile after losing THE most significant being in my life. And then He showed me that I haven’t lost her at all and I am a light that some folks are a wee bit confused about. Praise you oh Lord and thank You. I now have an awesome community of people that just give me joy when I see them, all sharing in the Glory. Praise be to God and prayers continue for those who don’t know Him.

The “humanity and divinity” of the worship music that intoxicates me, the daily conversation (seldom “poetic”) with my Father, His jabs at me in humor directing me always on the right path, the COMMUNITY of my church (such fresh air for the soul), and my Bible study “Tribe” of the most spectacular women who humble me, teach me, enlighten me, and just SHINE.

 Grief slips in at times and the “pond” appears (like a Stephen King movie) when I am lazy in my discipline taking things for granted (again); when I feel so comfortable and “sure” that I don’t open a conversation with Him, or turn on my MUSIC, or open the Book. I have learned that that is when the dark one sends his minions to grab me and pull me away. But then I remember I have homework for Bible study, I have a reading to do next week, and CHILI to make. I have other areas I would like to serve in, the list goes on, and that LIGHT overpowers ANY fear or darkness that challenges my love for the Father.

I am no longer terrified. Thank You Jesus and this Chistian community.